The Power of Childhood Friendships

By Andrea Williams with Quotes from Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D.

Posted on: Daily Parent, August 1, 2014

Expert insight into the power of childhood friendships, for better or worse, and how to nurture friend-making skills.

Some of us can still fondly remember long summer days and recess hours spent with our closest pals, making mud pies, catching ladybugs and generally having lots of fun. As it turns out, the effects of those adolescent friendships last well into adulthood. “Being chosen [as a friend] makes a child or teen feel affirmed, and it also expands their horizon beyond the narrow world of their nuclear family,” says Dr. Jan Yager, Ph.D., author of When Friendship Hurts. “The child or teen can become friends with someone of a different race, religion, culture or socio-economic background since their siblings will most likely be very similar to them. Friendships outside of siblings expand a child or teen’s horizons and view of the world and other families besides their own.”

Conversely, not learning to develop solid friendships can negatively affect a child’s future, as Yager notes that kids who spend too much time alone can become lonely teens and adults and even begin to develop signs of depression. Truly, we live in an interconnected world, and whether it relates to effectively completing group assignments in high school or college, or securing a job post-graduation and being able to work collaboratively with colleagues, it’s important that we encourage our children to develop strong, meaningful friendships. Here’s how:

Teach kids how to be good friends.
Anyone who’s had a relationship with an overly needy or inconsiderate person knows that being a great friend to others has become a bit of a lost art. Teach your kids now how to treat others well, and you won’t ever have to worry about them being alone later. “Kids can learn to model great friendships when they are given the tools for experiencing empathy,” says parenting expert Natalie Blais. “The power of empathy has a deep and lasting impression on kids because they are not yet clouded with disappointment like adults are. Kids are constantly filled with wonder when it comes to emotion, and empathy is an experience kids must learn to master.”

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D, an education and child development expert agrees, adding that it is up to parents to model the kind of behavior that they expect their kids to develop. “Role modeling is significant,” she says. “How parents interact with their children and their children’s friends helps them learn positive friendship skills. For example, if friends come over, the parent may suggest, ‘Emily, maybe your friends would like a snack. I can help you.’ Over time, sharing a snack becomes automatic.”

Encourage kids to seek out children who need friends.

Though cell phones have replaced land lines, and kids may actually spend more time communicating with each other via social media than face-to-face, little else has changed in the world of childhood friendships. On any playground across the country, you’re likely to find a group or clique, of popular, outgoing kids along with a smattering of quiet, more introverted kids who hang solo.

“My son is going into third grade in September, and we spent the entire year 
of second grade learning how to find kids who need someone to be a friend to 
them,” says Blais. “At the end of each day, I ask my son if he had the opportunity to be kind to someone that day. I make sure I have him consistently thinking about and looking for the chance to be kind to someone and reach out to him. Often, parents ask their kids how the day was, but they rarely ask their kids how they genuinely plugged into the situation around them and searched out the kids who needed them most.”

Get involved.

If your child is introverted, it’s important that you step in and help her begin to interact with others. The key, though, is not to push her too far outside of her comfort zone. “Years ago it was believed that children develop a temperament by age 3, but most research shows that children are born with an individual temperament,” Fritzemeier explains. “Some will be naturally outgoing and noisy, while others may be quiet and reserved. Parents who push their children to become someone they are not only increases the children’s stress levels, but as children get older, she can begin to question if her parents want them to be more like them or a sibling.”

Yager suggests parents arrange playdates for their kids (even through the elementary years) and enroll preschool-aged children in classes like Mommy and Me or Gymboree to help foster new friendships. Additionally, adds Fritzemeier, bringing a toy or pet can serve as an icebreaker and help draw other kids to your child. Also, when choosing other children to arrange playdates with, it’s important to try to find kids whose temperaments match that of your child, so she is not overwhelmed by an outgoing or boisterous personality.

Intervene when necessary.

Eventually, as your child ages and becomes more adept at interacting with others, she is bound to get involved in an unhealthy friendship. Parents, then, must toe the line between allowing their kids to be proactive in choosing their own relationships while also protecting them from significant hurt or danger. “Being a parent means taking the time to get to know the kids your child is spending time with,” says Dr. Tina Tessina, Ph.D., LMFT. You need to know their parents and hang out with them. Driving [your children’s friends] places and listening to what they talk about in the car while you’re driving is a great way to get a sense of who they are. This is most easily done while your kids are small; once they’re teens, you have a lot less control.”

If you do discover that your child is hanging out with someone she shouldn’t, Tessina suggests deftly steering her toward more positive influences without damaging your relationship with your child. “It’s best not to say bad things about the friends you don’t like; it will set you and your children against each other,” she explains. “This is why it’s so important to pay attention early on: you want to intervene before your child is too attached to someone. The best tactic is to find something your child is interested in and allow her to get involved, and distract your child from the undesirable friends. It also helps to find out what your child is getting out of the friendship. Is there some kind of acceptance for something you child feels bad about? Perhaps there’s something you don’t understand.”

Ultimately, though, if you’ve taken the time to show your child how to be a good friend and helped her to develop solid friendships while she’s young, you shouldn’t have much to worry about.

Adds Tessina, “If you set up a good parameter, you can let your child make choices, because there won’t be any bad ones.”

Published in: dailyparent.com/articles/the-power-of-childhood-friendships

Photo: water-fountain-children 542463-s. Stock XCHNG.

Back-to-School: Children & Sleep

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

Ahhhh, summer vacation. Swimming, camping, amusement parks, and later bed times for children. But school is just around the corner. How can parents help get their children's sleep back on schedule so they're not tired when school starts and the alarm goes off way earlier than in the summer?

About two weeks before school starts, calculate how much earlier your children need to get up for school. For example, is your child is sleeping in until 9:00 AM and will have to get up at 7:00 AM for school, that's two hours. Figure out roughly how much earlier they need to get up each day so that they're ready for the school alarm clock. If they got up just ten minutes earlier every day, they'd be on track for the earlier wake-up time.

While you're figuring out their wake-up times, just how much sleep does your child need? The American Academy of Sleep Medicine (2012) recommends that school age children (kindergarteners to 8th graders) need 9 to 10 hours of sleep. 9th and 10th graders need 9.25 hours while 11th and 12th graders need 8.5 hours. Your child needs more sleep if he/she has challenges getting up in the morning. Obviously, if your child falls asleep during school, he/she needs more sleep. Another reason your child may need more sleep if they are overly active and/or acting out.

Make bedtime consistent, relaxing routine. For younger children, a bath and story time are positive ways to end the day. If your children are sensitive to caffeine and/or sugar, eliminate these in the evenings. Don't forget, chocolate contains caffeine. Keep electronics out of the bedroom two hours before bedtime. Even the light from televisions or electronic devices can suppress the production of melatonin, a hormone that helps aides sleep. Following these suggestions and a healthy breakfast will help your child be ready to learn when he/she returns to school this fall.

Graphic: sleeping-child-1-1025338-m Stock XCHNG

Designer Jeans, Coupons and Budgets for Teens

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

"Why do we always have to use a coupon to buy my clothes?" laments my eleven-year-old daughter. "I want them today."

"You know we have a clothing budget. We can get more for our money if we wait until the item is on sale and we have a coupon," I try explaining once again.

"Everyone else's mom just buys their designer jeans even if they're not on sale," she retorts trying for the mother guilt button. 

But this conversation changed significantly one year later when our seventh grader was given her very own clothing budget. "Mom, do you have any coupons? I need some jeans," I proudly heard. She was allotted a monthly amount but could use up to three months of budget money at a time if necessary. Since our daughters were in year-round school, budget money for three months seemed reasonable.

No, we didn't just give our adolescents money and let them have a free for all. We talked about special events coming up, seasonal items like coats and swimsuits, what still fits from last season, do they need new undergarments, what about shoes, ways they can update their wardrobe inexpensively, and yes, how buying items on sale and using coupons saves money. Because they knew the cost of every item purchased, they took great care of their clothes when they began doing their own laundry at age thirteen (see previous blog, Laundry or Writing?).

As they entered high school and needed dresses for special events such as the winter formal and the prom, we paid for half the dress cost up to a certain amount. Young men will need additional budget money for winter formal sports coats and renting tuxedoes for the prom. When they wanted additional clothing or designer clothing items that cost more, they used gift money or worked for extra money. Other families we know paid up to a certain amount for clothing items, such as a pair of jean or athletic shoes, and the young person paid the difference.

I'm purposely not sharing how much money we gave them for two reasons. They are young adults and inflation has occurred since they were teenagers. Secondly, each family has an income; some may have a larger budget for clothing, while others families will have smaller budgets. You may think you can't afford to give your adolescents a clothing budget, but if you honestly track how much you spend on their clothes, shoes, undergarments, etc. it adds up quickly. The point isn't so much about how much you allot for their budget, but teaching them the principles of money management.

When you transition the budget responsibility to your young adults, please resist the temptation to rescue them when they spend all their clothing money and need something. They will not learn to plan ahead and use their money wisely if you rescue them. Keep in mind that they will eventually learn to live with the consequences if you allow them opportunities to learn. And in no time, they'll start asking, "Do you have any coupons?" and you will know you've done your job.

1. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/.sale-1430736-s. Accessed 4/17/2014.

 

Something Happened

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014

Author, Speaker, Educator
 

Something happened tonight that hasn't happened in seven years.

"Surprise," I chime in alongside friends gathered to celebrate our friend's 65th birthday.

I sit comfortably in a tan wicker rocking chair on the back patio while I engage in conversations. I catch up with some friends and reconnect with another I haven't seen in years. The carrot cake is delicious. I savor every bite. I'm comfortable updating friends about my life, my adult daughters, and of course, those three precious grandchildren.

But it's what I don't do that's significant. I don't sit quiet as a mouse observing so I can conserve my energy. I don't leave the group because it's too noisy to find solitude in a peaceful location. I don't excuse myself to clean up my usual spilt drink as I don't spill my Diet Coke.

I don't startle and jump because someone drops a fork on the tile. I don't roam around searching for the family cat so petting kitty provides a legitimate distraction. I don't hide behind my camera when I can't understand the conversation.

I don't wander off to "help" since I can't construct a coherent thought or form a complete sentence.
I don't walk to my car to dig up something I "forgot" when I can't track the cross talk of multiple conversations. I don't go through the motions because I'm disconnected, staring off with a blank expression.

Tonight, I do none of these things. The things I've managed to do for seven years to compensate for my brain impairment in social settings. Indeed, something happened tonight. I initiated conversations. I added to stories. I asked questions. I laughed. I enjoyed myself fully...I didn't escape.

Image from: www.stockpholio.com 4618335923_3 Tate Modern Tribute.

Dancing Dog

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014

Author, Speaker, Educator



Dancing Dog in Front Pack

It is 108°. The A/C is still not working. It's really too hot to do much of anything. I can't get much done sitting in front of the fan, so I sweat through the day doing what I can. I certainly can't ride my bike in this heat.

I'm going to ride in the morning. But that's my prime writing time, I argue with myself. But if I don't, I won't be primed to ride 40 miles at the Clear Lake Konocti Challenge in October.

I get up twenty minutes earlier. Throw on old clothes. Feed the dog. Feed the fish. Drink my Boost. Get my water. All I need now are my shoes and helmet. As I reach towards my bike shoes on the closet floor, I notice Dancing Dog. She's so excited anticipating that I'll take her on my bike ride, she pirouettes. Again. And again. And again.

 "Do you want to go on ride?" She pirouettes even faster; then races down the hallway towards the closet that stores her front pack.

"Stop dancing so I can put you in your pack." Then we're off for a morning ride. Dancing Dog takes it all in. She's observing what's going on, smelling the fresh air, and holding her head boldly while the wind blows on her face. She's simply taking in the moment.

I'm still grumbling. I'd rather ride in the late afternoon. I'm missing my writing time. Then I restate the truth. I'm delaying my writing time. I will write after my eight-mile ride.

With the writing dilemma settled, I focus on my ride and am in the moment, just like Dancing Dog.

"Dancing Dog, do you see the kitty?... Hi kitty cat," I sing-song as if both animals will answer. I'm now aware of the birds' songs in the quiet neighborhood. I observe a breeze, just enough to keep me comfortable.

Ahh, this is why I like bike riding. I'm in the fresh air enjoying God's nature and beauty. Oh yeah, and getting some exercise too.

Before I know it, we're heading home. Releasing Dancing Dog from the front pack, she reluctantly jumps out. I view emails as I cool down. Then I write. And Dancing Dog? She's lying next to me, living in the moment, yet anticipating our next adventure.

Feeling Inadequate? Watch Children

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.

Parker's First Attempt at Caber Toss

D. ©2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

            Do you ever feel inadequate? Some days everything seems difficult. Simple things like opening a sealed bag or putting on my necklace are challenging because my coordination is poor.  Other times I can't find the right word or can't even express a sentence when my brain is off.  Yes, me, Chatty Cathy. I read a book that has many thought provoking statements. Hatch! Brainstorming Secrets of a Theme Park Designer by C. Mc Nair Wilson. He did in fact work for Disney as an Imagineer.  

            "If you feel in adequate, watch children. They are highly unskilled at pretty much everything they try. But they try everything. They don't listen to maturity's hot air about being responsible, careful, or correct. Instead they fill their lives with hot dreams and imagination and fly to the stars...They roll down grassy slopes, basking in the moon-glow and starlight of endless possibilities." (p. 68)

            What a great description of childhood. It is one reason I love being around them. After I was unable to work at Merced College, I missed watching children every day as they came and went from the Child Development Center. So I began volunteering in my grandson Parker's preschool class a year and a half ago. What a delight to be with him and his friends. They are constantly trying something new.

            On Saturday my husband participated as an athlete in the Modesto Highland Games. One event is the caber. My daughter calls it, "Man in skirt with telephone pole." Six to twelve year olds could sign up to learn. Parker is not quite six, so they let him "practice" two times after the older kids were done.

            He'd never turned a caber before. He may have seen it on a video. His Papa hadn't yet done that event. But he wanted to try. And try he did. He was able to turn it on the first toss. He was so proud of himself. I was proud of him too. Not so much that he turned it, but because he was willing to try even in front of a large group.

            If they offered adults to try and turn the caber, I'm guessing there would be few volunteers. Why? McNair summaries the answer best, "...we do not live our dreams because we're too busy living out our fears." (p. 66) Parker was not even remotely afraid. He didn't wonder what others would think. He didn't hold back in case he couldn't do it. He didn't doubt himself. He just went for it. What's the "caber" in your life you'd like to try? Maybe you can try it today.

(Village Books, 2012)

Ideas for, "There's nothing to do."

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

 

                Summer's beginning. It won't be long until your kids' whine, "There's

nothing to do."

                But don't sweat it; here are ten summer fun activities that will keep

your children occupied.

1.      Pitch a tent in the backyard and camp with Smokey the Bear

2.     Plant seeds and grow healthy vegetables to harvest and cook. I just planted sunflowers for the birds to eat this fall.

3.      Take old bread to the park and feed the birds.

4.      Sprinklers are a forgotten play activity with so many yards watered automatically. With water shortages, turn off automatic sprinklers. Parents can easily adapt water volume for small children or bigger kids.

5.     Nature scavenger hunt. Identify items for children to find. They can draw what they find, mark it off a list, or take photos of each item.

6.      Remember sidewalk chalk. Lets children express their creativity and washes off easily.

7.     Dig in the dirt with shoes off. Shovels, water, containers, and trucks provide lots of fun. Hose down children when done! This is one of my grandson's favorite activities. I keep a dirt area in the yard just for mud play.

8.       Tricycle/Bicycle Derby. Decorate bikes. Bike races by age groups. When we did this in our neighborhood, a boy in a wheel chair participated too.  

9.       Pets on Parade. Gather the pets, dress them up, and have a parade on your sidewalk. (Cats and dogs on leashes.)

10.   Don't forget Flag Day on June 14th. Buy flags from a dollar store. Children create instruments such as drums, shakers, and tambourines. Then form a parade on your neighborhood sidewalks.

Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/  sun flower 1442107 by  Greeber.

100 Year Anniversary of Mother's Day and Attachment

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D.

Author, Speaker, Educator

 

Did you know that 2014 is the 100th anniversary of mother's day?

 

Two weeks ago, Lois M. Collins, from the Deseret News National Edition, interviewed me about attachment and mothers. The part of the article I'm quoted in is below.

 

Follow the link to read the entire article.

 

Mother's Day 100-Year History

 

In the 19th century, Americans began what Matt calls a "sentimentalization of mothers," who were featured lovingly in songs and stories and heavily celebrated for their virtue. "It began a new focus on mother love, warmth and tender ties."

Mothers were noted for power to encourage kids to grow into good, pious citizens. Focus tightened on mother-child relationships. And Mother’s Day is a modern tale of love and attachment.

Author, speaker and child development specialist Marian Fritzemeier of Modesto, California, has two adult daughters and three grandchildren who will likely honor her with cards and small gifts, as well as a get-together and dinner. They'll juggle the timing of the actual celebration so that her kids' spouses can also celebrate with their moms.

She believes that a child's very future hinges on developing secure relationships and strong emotional bonds. Mother is often among if not the first place those bonds form.

"Attachment is an emotional bond between an infant and a caring adult. It means somebody is responding consistently to the infant," Fritzemeier said. Cries attract someone to figure out what's wrong, whether it's hunger, a need to be burped or stimulated or changed, or just a familiar and loving voice. Moms are often that early primary caregiver, she noted.

Strong, healthy attachment "provides a foundation for life, not just in infancy, but adolescence and into adulthood," she said.

At home, Fritzemeier is surrounded by trinkets and pictures her children have made her. "You don't have to spend a lot of money. A lot of families don't have it. Mother's Day can be breakfast in bed, a meal together, perhaps a barbecue," she said. Pick flowers from your yard or ask to pick your neighbor's.

 

 





Pretend and Imaginative Play

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

Strolling down the toy aisle with Parker, my three-year-old grandson, he's drawn towards playthings with push buttons. Buttons he hopes will make sounds and "talk" to him. As a child development specialist, I'm not too thrilled with his fascination because these toys don't leave much to the imagination.

"Grams, this one doesn't make any noise," he comments rather confused.

"You're right Parker, it doesn't. You have to use your imagination. You can pretend and make the stuffed dog say anything you want." An interesting concept for a child living in a computer generated world where imagination is virtually untapped.

Benefits. Pretend play helps children gain developmental benefits including creativity, imagination, self-confidence, mastering new concepts, and communication skills. So how can parents encourage pretend and imaginative play in a technological world? Provide open-ended toys and materials, dramatic play items, games, and interactions that facilitate children's play.

Open-Ended Toys. Begin by choosing toys and materials that are "open-ended." This means toys that offer different ways children can play with them. Examples of open-ended play items are blocks, cardboard boxes, wooden train sets, dress-up clothes, play dough, and art materials. Items children can build and create anything they dream of are ideal for imagination, such as: old fashioned wooden blocks, Duplos, Legos, Lincoln logs, Mega blocks, and magnetic blocks. One day children make a zoo while another time they construct a ferry.

Dramatic Play. Another way parents can enhance children's imaginations is through dramatic play. Building forts, houses, hospitals, and stores using common household items provides infinite creativity and pretending. Sheets, blankets, pillows, cardboard boxes, large appliance boxes, stools, chairs, and boards are great materials. Children can also imitate real-life events to advance pretend play. For example, if the dog goes to the vet, children can invent a pet hospital at home. A dentist's office, doctor's office, hair salon, pet store, or auto shop are other ideas.

Dress-up Clothes. Children also enjoy dress up clothes in adult sizes that you can discover at used clothing stores, such as Good Will. Choose items that represent both genders as well as clothes from different cultures. You'll enjoy watching your children try "adult" roles as they express themselves in pretend play.

Games. Games provide another way for expressing imagination. Once children learn rules to traditional board games ask them to generate a new game with different rules. You can also provide children with common game items and ask them to create a new game. "What kind of game can we play with a Frisbee and a ball?" You'll be amazed at how much fun they'll cultivate for your family

Benefits. Finally, talking to children while they play not only promotes children's vocabulary, communication skills, and storytelling, but helps children's imaginations. Suggestions like, "What else can you build?" or "How can you make your store higher?" stretches children's problem solving abilities and the beginnings of abstract thinking. Puppets are another great way to facilitate pretend play and vocabulary. A chair with a towel over it becomes a puppet stage. Encouraging your children to use their imaginations by providing a wide variety of play items and interactions will build skills that will last a lifetime.

Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ playful-spring-time-2-1187577-s. Accessed 4/23/2014.

Here's What's Happening

I'm back from the Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference. I learned a lot about the industry changes. It seems harder than ever to find an agent or get a book published. They are looking for writers who already have thousands of followers.

I'm busy replacing all the images on my blog that I thought I could use to ones that are for common use. Blogging Bistro is beginning the work on my logo for From Diapers to Diamonds, for my new web page. My blog will be contained within my web page. Stay tuned for more updates.

Six Year Old Boy Stabbed in the Neck with Pencil

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

Was it a stabbing or a poke with a pencil? Was it bullying or an accident? Why didn't the school call an ambulance or the police? Did the Turlock Unified District follow established protocol? The questions ruminating around California's Central Valley abound. But the one question that bothers me the most is, Why didn't the school intervene when the family previously reported bullying incidents?

Bully Workshop. I'm teaching a workshop next month at the California Association for the Education of Young Children's annual state conference in Pasadena, California. The workshop, Bullying 101: Helping the Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander; How Educators Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence, is based on a course I created for Merced College. This specific workshop is for adults working in kindergarten to third grade programs or schools.

Stories Abound. Any time I've had a conversation about my speaking engagement, someone shares a story. A story not unlike the "stabbing" story. "My (daughter, grandson, neighbor, friend, relative) has a child who was bullied. They reported it to the school over and over and nothing was done. The child changed schools."

More Columbines? How many more Columbines will it take for all schools to wake-up? How many more kids will take their own lives because of bullying, also called bullycide, before society demands bullying stops? How many times will I hear stories where no one intervened?

The Movie: Bully...I'll write more about bullying in the future and strategies that work. In the meantime, view the 2012 movie, Bully: It's Time to Take A Stand produced by The Weinstein Company and Where We Live Films, rated PG-13. I'd sure like to hear your thoughts on the film and bullying in schools.

1. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/pencil-and-postit-796599-m. Accessed 4/17/2014.

What is bullying?

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014
Author, Speaker, Educator

How would you describe bullying? Has your child been bullied? Have you? Last week I taught a workshop at the California Association for the Education of Young Children (CAEYC) in Pasadena adults working with children in the primary grades. Over 50 educators actively participated in my workshop: Bullying 101: Helping the Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: How Educators Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence

The two months I spent preparing for this workshop were emotionally challenging. It was difficult to read books and research and view videos about what's happening on elementary campuses.

As I read specific about how bullying is defined, I often thought of the squabbles I observe weekly between five year olds. When a peer doesn't do what their friend wants, I hear, "You're not going to be my friend anymore," or, "You're not invited to my birthday party." If they are really upset, they might cite both sentences together. So is this bullying?

Bullying Defined. Although there are numerous bullying definitions, I chose this one because it contains multiple aspects. Three criteria distinguish bullying from other misbehaviors or isolated cases of aggression.

1.    "It is aggressive behavior or intentional harm doing.
2.   It is carried out repeatedly and over time.
3.  It occurs within an interpersonal relationship characterized by an imbalance of power." (1)

So are the squabbling five-year olds bullying? Their behavior is not always aggressive but they are saying these things to express frustration and it is most likely the meanest thing they know so say. The words are intentional, although very short lived. Later, they are once again friends and get re-invited to the party.  

Yes, it is carried out repeatedly over time, but by different children. It isn't only one or two children who make these threats against certain children. It seems to be a regular part of their interactions as they learn more appropriate social skills. Is it acceptable? To me, it is not. I'd like the teacher to intervene and explain how that hurts others' feelings and how to state their frustration in a more specific way. "I don't like it when you take my cars."

Finally, is there an imbalance in power? An imbalance of power could be by size, age, or abilities. Although the children are all different, I don't observe an imbalance of power. In this situation, I'd say that the children are not bullying, but learning how to express themselves; however, they need more adult guidance. What do you think? Are the children being bullies?  

Sources:
1. Hirsch, Lee & Lowen, Cynthia with Santorelli, Dina (Editors). Bully: An Action Plan for Teachers, Parents, and Communities to Combat the Bullying Crisis. [Companion to the Acclaimed Film Bully] New York: Weinstein Books, 2012, p. 232.
2. Image from: www.stockpholio.com At least I'm not a bully, Creative Commons, 4476645306_0.

The Forgotten Garden

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D.

Author, Speaker, Educator

The tomato plants hanging over the grow box creep onto the sidewalk fall chaotically onto my pathway look dead. It appears that someone at Stanford Hospital previously cared for these plants. There's evidence that tomato cages and stakes supported the plants growing tall and abundant. Now the cages lean haphazardly with the plants' heaviness. The plants are left to die during the cool fall days.

The dead plants remind me of my life. Dealing with undiagnosed brain impairment for the past five years, darkness clouds my former bubbly personality and positive outlook on life. After a long search, the doctors from the neurology & epilepsy department diagnosed me just last week. I'm one of the lucky ones. My diagnosis only took five years, while most people aren't diagnosed for seven years. My non-epileptic seizures don't change my disability status. I'm still unable to fulfill my college professor responsibilities. I feel isolated and alone especially since my life no longer centers on hundreds of students and colleagues.

Then I notice that the plants are not quite dead. I discover two tiny, green tomatoes. I touch them and wonder how they are surviving amidst this tangled and forgotten garden. My eyes burn and overflow with tears. How will I survive another dark day?

Since the garden is the only place where I'm allowed some fresh air during my hospitalization, I'm compelled to visit the garden every day to check on the tomatoes. Breathing in the crisp air while observing God's beauty, gives my heart a lift. The two small tomatoes are still growing amongst the neglected plants. If these two tiny tomatoes can thrive in this forgotten garden, maybe I can get better too.

Today as I approach the plants, they look worse than when I discovered them ten days ago. I hope my adopted tomatoes are still growing. But they're not.
             

"They're red," I exclaim to no one but myself. "My two green tomatoes are turning red."

I'm so excited I search through other vines parting their branches. I discover six tiny tomato buds on the first vine. On another I observe a dozen buds just forming in a row. Hundreds of tomato buds hang on the unkept plants.

What appears dead is still growing but unseen by those who pass by. I can't always see the buds God is growing in my life. Yet in His time, I see glimpses of "red" just like my two adopted red tomatoes. There's life amongst this forgotten garden. On this quiet nippy fall morning, I remember, God hasn't forgotten me either.

This was originally posted, but it currently isn't on my blog site. This was written while I was at Stanford Hospital in October 2012.

Image from www.stockpholio.com On it's way out. 7574858320_4.

Let's Make a Deal

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

All of us have situations in which there aren't any choices, like work requirements. Children need to learn that they don't always have a choice. Sometimes decisions are made by parents or other adults.

Safety Reasons

For example, parents are responsible for their children's safety. Dr. Sue Grossman, Assistant Professor at Eastern Michigan reminds parents that children can't play with everything, like the stove or burner controls when helping make cookies. (1)

Primary and Secondary Decisions

Sometimes they can't do something because of time constraints, like when parents need to drop the children off at pre-school and get to work. Parents make the primary decision, it's time to get ready, but then children can make subsequent, secondary choices, like what to wear or whether they want to pour in flour or chocolate chips for the cookies.

Accepting No

Dr. Grossman adds, "When children know that they will be given sufficient opportunities to choose for themselves, they are more willing to accept those important 'no choice' decisions adults must make for them." (1)

Sources:

1. Offering Children Choices: Encouraging Autonomy and Learning While Minimizing Conflicts, Sue Grossman, Ph.D., Early Childhood News, 2007. www.earlychildhoodnews.com/earlychildhood/article_view.aspx?...607. Accessed 3/25/2014. 

2. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ one-way-street-signs 1294579-m. Accessed 4/17/2014.



 

Preschoolers and Choices

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

As a college professor, I chose what committees I happily wanted to serve on. If the college dictated which committees I must be on, I wouldn't have been happy. What about you? Do you serve well if you have choices or have choices made for you? Our preschoolers are no different. They too like to have control. Giving them the power to choose encourages autonomy (independence) while minimizing conflict.

Choices Can Begin Early

Choices can actually begin when babies become toddlers. Simply asking, "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt today?" as you hold up the items provides a choice. A toddler can point which empowers them.

This or That?

Limiting choices helps preschoolers select. Many restaurant menus offer innumerable choices that sometimes overwhelm adults. Instead of asking your preschoolers, "What do you want?" ask, "Would you like chicken bites or a grilled cheese sandwich? Do you want milk or juice?" If the preschoolers are verbal, have the children order their own food.

More Choices Examples

Here are some more ways to give children choices. Instead of asking, "Do you want to take a nap?" (Why do parents ask this?) Inquire, "Do you want to nap with your teddy bear blanket or your doggie blanket?" When it's cold outside, don't ask, "Do you want to wear your jacket?" ask, "Do you want to put your shoes on first or your jacket?" After preschoolers make decisions based on two choices, gradually increase the number of choices. For example, "Do you want raisins, a granola bar, or yogurt for snack?"

 You'll discover that your preschoolers do better with choices just like we do.
Image from: www.stockpholio.com I Luv Pencils by Rex Boggs, 8413684208_4

Book Review: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

Twenty five years ago, the general population was told that children and teens adjust to divorce within five years after their parent's divorce. The controversial, New York Times Bestselling book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study, came along in 2000 and tells a different story. A story that is difficult to process and challenges American society's beliefs about divorce.

 

The Study

Wallerstein studied children of divorce since 1971, when she began observing some 131 children of divorced families in affluent Marin County, California. The original "children of divorce" study was funded by the Zellerbach Family Fund. Subsequent studies were done with the same children that ultimately led to The 25 Year Landmark Study.

The Book

The five-part, twenty-two chapter book presents a long-term perspective of children of divorce after they reach adulthood. "...when children of divorce become adults, they are badly frightened that their relationships will fail, just like the most important relationship in their parents' lives failed," (p. xiii).

College Students' Responses

I used an article based on this book in my college Child Growth & Development course for small group discussions. The topic stirs up intense emotions alongside powerful opinions based on students' personal experiences. The vast majority of students from divorced families agree with the authors' long-lasting effects of divorce.

Interesting Chapters

Some interesting chapters include: Growing Up Is Harder; The Wages of Violence; Our Failure to Intervene; Undoing the Past; and Growing Up Lonely. Since divorce is so prevalent in our society, this is a well researched and documented book on the effects of divorce that should be read by anyone touched by divorce.

Book Information: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study by Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, & Sandra Blakeslee, New York: Hyperion, 2000. Available from Amazon.com hardcover $17.56; paperback $11.62; audio cassette $5.48; and Kindle $9.99.