The Power of Childhood Friendships

By Andrea Williams with Quotes from Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D.

Posted on: Daily Parent, August 1, 2014

Expert insight into the power of childhood friendships, for better or worse, and how to nurture friend-making skills.

Some of us can still fondly remember long summer days and recess hours spent with our closest pals, making mud pies, catching ladybugs and generally having lots of fun. As it turns out, the effects of those adolescent friendships last well into adulthood. “Being chosen [as a friend] makes a child or teen feel affirmed, and it also expands their horizon beyond the narrow world of their nuclear family,” says Dr. Jan Yager, Ph.D., author of When Friendship Hurts. “The child or teen can become friends with someone of a different race, religion, culture or socio-economic background since their siblings will most likely be very similar to them. Friendships outside of siblings expand a child or teen’s horizons and view of the world and other families besides their own.”

Conversely, not learning to develop solid friendships can negatively affect a child’s future, as Yager notes that kids who spend too much time alone can become lonely teens and adults and even begin to develop signs of depression. Truly, we live in an interconnected world, and whether it relates to effectively completing group assignments in high school or college, or securing a job post-graduation and being able to work collaboratively with colleagues, it’s important that we encourage our children to develop strong, meaningful friendships. Here’s how:

Teach kids how to be good friends.
Anyone who’s had a relationship with an overly needy or inconsiderate person knows that being a great friend to others has become a bit of a lost art. Teach your kids now how to treat others well, and you won’t ever have to worry about them being alone later. “Kids can learn to model great friendships when they are given the tools for experiencing empathy,” says parenting expert Natalie Blais. “The power of empathy has a deep and lasting impression on kids because they are not yet clouded with disappointment like adults are. Kids are constantly filled with wonder when it comes to emotion, and empathy is an experience kids must learn to master.”

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D, an education and child development expert agrees, adding that it is up to parents to model the kind of behavior that they expect their kids to develop. “Role modeling is significant,” she says. “How parents interact with their children and their children’s friends helps them learn positive friendship skills. For example, if friends come over, the parent may suggest, ‘Emily, maybe your friends would like a snack. I can help you.’ Over time, sharing a snack becomes automatic.”

Encourage kids to seek out children who need friends.

Though cell phones have replaced land lines, and kids may actually spend more time communicating with each other via social media than face-to-face, little else has changed in the world of childhood friendships. On any playground across the country, you’re likely to find a group or clique, of popular, outgoing kids along with a smattering of quiet, more introverted kids who hang solo.

“My son is going into third grade in September, and we spent the entire year 
of second grade learning how to find kids who need someone to be a friend to 
them,” says Blais. “At the end of each day, I ask my son if he had the opportunity to be kind to someone that day. I make sure I have him consistently thinking about and looking for the chance to be kind to someone and reach out to him. Often, parents ask their kids how the day was, but they rarely ask their kids how they genuinely plugged into the situation around them and searched out the kids who needed them most.”

Get involved.

If your child is introverted, it’s important that you step in and help her begin to interact with others. The key, though, is not to push her too far outside of her comfort zone. “Years ago it was believed that children develop a temperament by age 3, but most research shows that children are born with an individual temperament,” Fritzemeier explains. “Some will be naturally outgoing and noisy, while others may be quiet and reserved. Parents who push their children to become someone they are not only increases the children’s stress levels, but as children get older, she can begin to question if her parents want them to be more like them or a sibling.”

Yager suggests parents arrange playdates for their kids (even through the elementary years) and enroll preschool-aged children in classes like Mommy and Me or Gymboree to help foster new friendships. Additionally, adds Fritzemeier, bringing a toy or pet can serve as an icebreaker and help draw other kids to your child. Also, when choosing other children to arrange playdates with, it’s important to try to find kids whose temperaments match that of your child, so she is not overwhelmed by an outgoing or boisterous personality.

Intervene when necessary.

Eventually, as your child ages and becomes more adept at interacting with others, she is bound to get involved in an unhealthy friendship. Parents, then, must toe the line between allowing their kids to be proactive in choosing their own relationships while also protecting them from significant hurt or danger. “Being a parent means taking the time to get to know the kids your child is spending time with,” says Dr. Tina Tessina, Ph.D., LMFT. You need to know their parents and hang out with them. Driving [your children’s friends] places and listening to what they talk about in the car while you’re driving is a great way to get a sense of who they are. This is most easily done while your kids are small; once they’re teens, you have a lot less control.”

If you do discover that your child is hanging out with someone she shouldn’t, Tessina suggests deftly steering her toward more positive influences without damaging your relationship with your child. “It’s best not to say bad things about the friends you don’t like; it will set you and your children against each other,” she explains. “This is why it’s so important to pay attention early on: you want to intervene before your child is too attached to someone. The best tactic is to find something your child is interested in and allow her to get involved, and distract your child from the undesirable friends. It also helps to find out what your child is getting out of the friendship. Is there some kind of acceptance for something you child feels bad about? Perhaps there’s something you don’t understand.”

Ultimately, though, if you’ve taken the time to show your child how to be a good friend and helped her to develop solid friendships while she’s young, you shouldn’t have much to worry about.

Adds Tessina, “If you set up a good parameter, you can let your child make choices, because there won’t be any bad ones.”

Published in: dailyparent.com/articles/the-power-of-childhood-friendships

Photo: water-fountain-children 542463-s. Stock XCHNG.

Pretend and Imaginative Play

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

Strolling down the toy aisle with Parker, my three-year-old grandson, he's drawn towards playthings with push buttons. Buttons he hopes will make sounds and "talk" to him. As a child development specialist, I'm not too thrilled with his fascination because these toys don't leave much to the imagination.

"Grams, this one doesn't make any noise," he comments rather confused.

"You're right Parker, it doesn't. You have to use your imagination. You can pretend and make the stuffed dog say anything you want." An interesting concept for a child living in a computer generated world where imagination is virtually untapped.

Benefits. Pretend play helps children gain developmental benefits including creativity, imagination, self-confidence, mastering new concepts, and communication skills. So how can parents encourage pretend and imaginative play in a technological world? Provide open-ended toys and materials, dramatic play items, games, and interactions that facilitate children's play.

Open-Ended Toys. Begin by choosing toys and materials that are "open-ended." This means toys that offer different ways children can play with them. Examples of open-ended play items are blocks, cardboard boxes, wooden train sets, dress-up clothes, play dough, and art materials. Items children can build and create anything they dream of are ideal for imagination, such as: old fashioned wooden blocks, Duplos, Legos, Lincoln logs, Mega blocks, and magnetic blocks. One day children make a zoo while another time they construct a ferry.

Dramatic Play. Another way parents can enhance children's imaginations is through dramatic play. Building forts, houses, hospitals, and stores using common household items provides infinite creativity and pretending. Sheets, blankets, pillows, cardboard boxes, large appliance boxes, stools, chairs, and boards are great materials. Children can also imitate real-life events to advance pretend play. For example, if the dog goes to the vet, children can invent a pet hospital at home. A dentist's office, doctor's office, hair salon, pet store, or auto shop are other ideas.

Dress-up Clothes. Children also enjoy dress up clothes in adult sizes that you can discover at used clothing stores, such as Good Will. Choose items that represent both genders as well as clothes from different cultures. You'll enjoy watching your children try "adult" roles as they express themselves in pretend play.

Games. Games provide another way for expressing imagination. Once children learn rules to traditional board games ask them to generate a new game with different rules. You can also provide children with common game items and ask them to create a new game. "What kind of game can we play with a Frisbee and a ball?" You'll be amazed at how much fun they'll cultivate for your family

Benefits. Finally, talking to children while they play not only promotes children's vocabulary, communication skills, and storytelling, but helps children's imaginations. Suggestions like, "What else can you build?" or "How can you make your store higher?" stretches children's problem solving abilities and the beginnings of abstract thinking. Puppets are another great way to facilitate pretend play and vocabulary. A chair with a towel over it becomes a puppet stage. Encouraging your children to use their imaginations by providing a wide variety of play items and interactions will build skills that will last a lifetime.

Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ playful-spring-time-2-1187577-s. Accessed 4/23/2014.

Six Year Old Boy Stabbed in the Neck with Pencil

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

Was it a stabbing or a poke with a pencil? Was it bullying or an accident? Why didn't the school call an ambulance or the police? Did the Turlock Unified District follow established protocol? The questions ruminating around California's Central Valley abound. But the one question that bothers me the most is, Why didn't the school intervene when the family previously reported bullying incidents?

Bully Workshop. I'm teaching a workshop next month at the California Association for the Education of Young Children's annual state conference in Pasadena, California. The workshop, Bullying 101: Helping the Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander; How Educators Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence, is based on a course I created for Merced College. This specific workshop is for adults working in kindergarten to third grade programs or schools.

Stories Abound. Any time I've had a conversation about my speaking engagement, someone shares a story. A story not unlike the "stabbing" story. "My (daughter, grandson, neighbor, friend, relative) has a child who was bullied. They reported it to the school over and over and nothing was done. The child changed schools."

More Columbines? How many more Columbines will it take for all schools to wake-up? How many more kids will take their own lives because of bullying, also called bullycide, before society demands bullying stops? How many times will I hear stories where no one intervened?

The Movie: Bully...I'll write more about bullying in the future and strategies that work. In the meantime, view the 2012 movie, Bully: It's Time to Take A Stand produced by The Weinstein Company and Where We Live Films, rated PG-13. I'd sure like to hear your thoughts on the film and bullying in schools.

1. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/pencil-and-postit-796599-m. Accessed 4/17/2014.

What is bullying?

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014
Author, Speaker, Educator

How would you describe bullying? Has your child been bullied? Have you? Last week I taught a workshop at the California Association for the Education of Young Children (CAEYC) in Pasadena adults working with children in the primary grades. Over 50 educators actively participated in my workshop: Bullying 101: Helping the Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: How Educators Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence

The two months I spent preparing for this workshop were emotionally challenging. It was difficult to read books and research and view videos about what's happening on elementary campuses.

As I read specific about how bullying is defined, I often thought of the squabbles I observe weekly between five year olds. When a peer doesn't do what their friend wants, I hear, "You're not going to be my friend anymore," or, "You're not invited to my birthday party." If they are really upset, they might cite both sentences together. So is this bullying?

Bullying Defined. Although there are numerous bullying definitions, I chose this one because it contains multiple aspects. Three criteria distinguish bullying from other misbehaviors or isolated cases of aggression.

1.    "It is aggressive behavior or intentional harm doing.
2.   It is carried out repeatedly and over time.
3.  It occurs within an interpersonal relationship characterized by an imbalance of power." (1)

So are the squabbling five-year olds bullying? Their behavior is not always aggressive but they are saying these things to express frustration and it is most likely the meanest thing they know so say. The words are intentional, although very short lived. Later, they are once again friends and get re-invited to the party.  

Yes, it is carried out repeatedly over time, but by different children. It isn't only one or two children who make these threats against certain children. It seems to be a regular part of their interactions as they learn more appropriate social skills. Is it acceptable? To me, it is not. I'd like the teacher to intervene and explain how that hurts others' feelings and how to state their frustration in a more specific way. "I don't like it when you take my cars."

Finally, is there an imbalance in power? An imbalance of power could be by size, age, or abilities. Although the children are all different, I don't observe an imbalance of power. In this situation, I'd say that the children are not bullying, but learning how to express themselves; however, they need more adult guidance. What do you think? Are the children being bullies?  

Sources:
1. Hirsch, Lee & Lowen, Cynthia with Santorelli, Dina (Editors). Bully: An Action Plan for Teachers, Parents, and Communities to Combat the Bullying Crisis. [Companion to the Acclaimed Film Bully] New York: Weinstein Books, 2012, p. 232.
2. Image from: www.stockpholio.com At least I'm not a bully, Creative Commons, 4476645306_0.

Let's Make a Deal

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

All of us have situations in which there aren't any choices, like work requirements. Children need to learn that they don't always have a choice. Sometimes decisions are made by parents or other adults.

Safety Reasons

For example, parents are responsible for their children's safety. Dr. Sue Grossman, Assistant Professor at Eastern Michigan reminds parents that children can't play with everything, like the stove or burner controls when helping make cookies. (1)

Primary and Secondary Decisions

Sometimes they can't do something because of time constraints, like when parents need to drop the children off at pre-school and get to work. Parents make the primary decision, it's time to get ready, but then children can make subsequent, secondary choices, like what to wear or whether they want to pour in flour or chocolate chips for the cookies.

Accepting No

Dr. Grossman adds, "When children know that they will be given sufficient opportunities to choose for themselves, they are more willing to accept those important 'no choice' decisions adults must make for them." (1)

Sources:

1. Offering Children Choices: Encouraging Autonomy and Learning While Minimizing Conflicts, Sue Grossman, Ph.D., Early Childhood News, 2007. www.earlychildhoodnews.com/earlychildhood/article_view.aspx?...607. Accessed 3/25/2014. 

2. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ one-way-street-signs 1294579-m. Accessed 4/17/2014.



 

Preschoolers and Choices

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

As a college professor, I chose what committees I happily wanted to serve on. If the college dictated which committees I must be on, I wouldn't have been happy. What about you? Do you serve well if you have choices or have choices made for you? Our preschoolers are no different. They too like to have control. Giving them the power to choose encourages autonomy (independence) while minimizing conflict.

Choices Can Begin Early

Choices can actually begin when babies become toddlers. Simply asking, "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt today?" as you hold up the items provides a choice. A toddler can point which empowers them.

This or That?

Limiting choices helps preschoolers select. Many restaurant menus offer innumerable choices that sometimes overwhelm adults. Instead of asking your preschoolers, "What do you want?" ask, "Would you like chicken bites or a grilled cheese sandwich? Do you want milk or juice?" If the preschoolers are verbal, have the children order their own food.

More Choices Examples

Here are some more ways to give children choices. Instead of asking, "Do you want to take a nap?" (Why do parents ask this?) Inquire, "Do you want to nap with your teddy bear blanket or your doggie blanket?" When it's cold outside, don't ask, "Do you want to wear your jacket?" ask, "Do you want to put your shoes on first or your jacket?" After preschoolers make decisions based on two choices, gradually increase the number of choices. For example, "Do you want raisins, a granola bar, or yogurt for snack?"

 You'll discover that your preschoolers do better with choices just like we do.
Image from: www.stockpholio.com I Luv Pencils by Rex Boggs, 8413684208_4

To exercise or not to exercise?

 Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014
Author, Speaker, Educator

Has your doctor's suggested you exercise for health benefits? Did your friend suggest exercising as a way to lose weight? Do kids ask you if you're going to have a baby because of your tummy pouch? 

Should I exercise today or not? It's a question you may ask yourself on a regular basis. Nah, not today, I tell myself. It's raining. Maybe tomorrow...or if I'm lucky, maybe it will rain again. 

This week I spoke to a group of Mothers of Preschoolers in Tracy about The Physical Perspective. Most of us know that exercise is helpful to prevent weight gain, promote weight loss, or maintain our weight, but that doesn't always do the trick. 1 
 

Some of us are motivated by money. The Center for Disease Control says that exercise can significantly lower your annual direct medical costs. Getting people to exercise could cut yearly medical costs in the United States by more than $70 billion dollars. 2 What can it save you? 

Some of us are motivated by health. Exercise reduces your risk of cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, and some cancers. 1, 2 It also reduces stress, depression and anxiety. 3 Enhancing mental performance and work productivity (whether your "work" is in your home or outside your home) are other benefits. Exercise can even improve your skin. 

But some of us are motivated by sex. The benefit the mothers' giggled about is that 20 minutes of exercise a day improves your sex life. 3 Who knew that the Harvard School of Public Health studies such things? It's true. Just 20 minutes/day Improves sexual response in women, leaves you feeling energized, and helps you feel more desirable. Dr. David Katz from Yale adds, "Working out with your partner not only will allow you to spend time together, but it will trigger adrenaline & other feel-good hormones to get you in the mood." 3 

I shared with the ladies, "If your husband finds out about this, chances are he'll ensure you get exercise time in!" Maybe that will work...rain or not! 

Sources: 

1. Physical Activity and Health, www.cdc.gov/physicalactivity/everyone/health/ Accessed 10/23/2013. 

2. The Benefits of Physical Activity, Harvard School of Public Health, www.hsph.harvard.edu › The Nutrition Source. Accessed 10/25/2013. 

3. Image from www.stockpholio.com 5032496501 4, Pilates, US Army

Our Heart Attitude

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

Perhaps you've grumbled about a co-worker, "She always has such a bad attitude. I can't stand being around her." Maybe you've been told, "You have a bad attitude," or said to your teen, "When you change your attitude, I'll talk to you." Last week I spoke to a group of moms. One segment of the talk was checking our heart attitude. I adapted these questions from a book, Checklist for Life for Moms.¹

•  Do you recognize that your attitudes can have far-reaching effects on your family?
• Do you acknowledge that a negative attitude can easily develop into a critical way of life?
• Do you accept that you can choose your attitude toward a particular person or situation?
• Do you consider that your thoughts & attitudes should reflect those of Christ?
• Do you trust God to show you the positive qualities in those who usually engender negative feelings?
• Do you appreciate the common ground that can be found in negative or difficult family members?

So how do you check your own attitude? How is your attitude critical to your daily life?
Checklist for Life for Moms, Thomas Nelson, 2005.
Image from: www.stockpholio.com Heart by Seyed Mosafa Zamani.

"Do you work?"

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014
Author, Educator, Speaker

Ever been at a social gathering and someone inquires, "Do you work?"

My gut reaction is, Of course I work. Doesn't every mom work? But I also know the inquirer really wants to know if I hold an important job that requires a college education and offers social status. Another variation is, "Where do you work?" In other words, do you work for a prestigious company and make six figures?

Medical forms also request work information. When I was a young mother I'd respond, "I don't work." But I didn't like how it sounded. It felt like I was less than someone else, less important than a mother who holds a paying job outside the home. My husband and I made the choice for me to be the primary caretaker of our children. So why was I feeling so down when I was doing the most important job at that time?

When our girls entered school, I finally arrived at a creative answer that I felt proud to share. "I'm the Vice-President of the Fritzemeier Foundation." When someone requests my work phone, I simply repeat my home number.  

One day at medical appointment, the doctor inquired, "What's the Fritzemeier Foundation?  It sounds important."

"You're right. I'm impacting the entire next generation by training young people to live independently, develop job proficiency, demonstrate leadership skills, participate in civic responsibilities, and become life-long learners."

"Sound interesting," he nods.

"It's pretty remarkable. No two days are ever the same. It keeps me on my toes."

Back to work.

Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ question-mark-1409010-s. Accessed 4/16/2014.

School Age Friendship Groups: Accepted and Rejected Children

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

The good news for parents is about 80% of children fall within the "accepted" children friendship group.¹ These children have at least one friend who protects them from experiencing long, lonely days in school.

The 20%. However, the remaining 20% are part of the "unclassifiable" group; they may have no friends at all. Psychologists are concerned about this bottom 20% on the social ladder. In this blog, we'll look at the three sub-groups, typical friendships characteristics of each, and how parents can help these struggling children with friendships.

Neglected Children. The first sub-group is the "neglected" children who tend to be very shy, comprising five percent of children.¹ Although the group sub-title sounds negative, these children are very close to their families and typically good students. They simply don't attract much attention from peers. Parents mainly need to accept their child's social style which was explained in my last blog, Parents Can Help with School Age Child's Friendships.

Controversial Children. The second sub-group, "controversial" children, also five percent, possess some traits peers like, but they also have annoying habits, such as: being a poor sport or poor hygiene.¹ These children need to be coached to give up annoying habits. Some parents think that by addressing these issues their children's self-esteem will suffer, but these children are already suffering silently. If children knew how to change their behavior, they already would have.

Adult Guidance. They need adult guidance and specific strategies for improving these habits. It can begin with a simple observation question. "Today when you were shooting hoops, did you notice that your friend was angry when you kept hogging the ball? What can you do differently next time you shoot hoops?" When parents gradually and consistently work with children on specific annoying behaviors, most children will improve over time.

Rejected Children. The last sub-group, the "rejected" children contain 10% of children.¹ These children lack important social skills in a wide variety of areas and may not cooperate or know how to respond in certain situations.² "Rejected children are either overly aggressive from the start and react to being rejected with more aggression, or they become depressed and withdrawn." ⁴

Missing Skills. Whereas the "controversial" children need some help on certain social issues, these children must be taught missing skills.² If not, this child will become a rejected adult. Maybe you know someone like this. They don't pick up on social cues and are observed as "misfits" at work and in social settings.

Life Skills. Now is the time for parents and schools to help these children develop the all important life skill of making friends. School administrators are a great resource to find out about arranging friendship groups that help rejected children make friends. "Just 6 to 8 meetings of such a group can have a significant positive impact. Administrators should also implement anti-bullying policies and train teachers to create a socially safe environment in the classroom."¹

Rejected, angry children may need counseling.

Help Finding Friendships. Both "rejected" and "controversial" children need help finding friendships in other venues beyond the school day. Spending time with neighbor kids or cousins is one way to begin. Children are in close proximity for observing interactions combined with "coaching" later. Joining a youth group, like Boy Scouts, Girls Scouts, or 4-H are other possibilities. Community service projects are great ways for children to learn social skills while helping others.

Extra Guidance. When your children are in the last two sub-groups, they will need extra guidance, direction and support. Overtime, your children will benefit from better friendships. Remember, "It only takes one real friend to alleviate the worse aspect of loneliness."¹

Sources:

1. Let's Be Friends: Help your child's friendships flourish — even in the face of difficulty. Scholastic Parent, www.scholastic.com/parents/resources/article/stages.../lets-be-friends. Accessed 10/17/2013.

2. Children's Health: Peer Pressure, www.healthofchildren.com. Accessed 10/5/2013.

3. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ gossip-girls-1-1966564-s. Accessed 4/18/2014.

Friendship Books for School Age Children

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends, Natalie Madorsky Elman & Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Q-Mart, 2003.

Let's Be Friends: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Social Skills and Make Great Friends, Lawrence Shapiro Ph.D., Instant Help Books, Raincoast Books, 2008. (Activities for Kids)

 

The New Social Story Book, Revised and Expanded 10th Anniversary Edition: Over 150 Social Stories that Teach Everyday, Carol Gray and Tony Attwood, Future Horizons, 2010.

Friendly Facts: A Fun, Practical, Interactive Resource to Help Children Explore the Complexities of Friends and Friendship, Margaret-Anne Carter & Josie Santomauro, Autism Asperger Publishing Co., 2010. Aimed at children 7-11.

The ADHD Workbook for Kids: Helping Children Gain Self-Confidence, Social Skills, and Self-Control, Lawrence Shapiro PhD, Instant Help Books, Raincoast Books, 2010. 

Socially ADDept: Teaching Social Skills to Children with ADHD, LD, and Asperger's, Janet Z. Giler, Jossey-Bass, 2nd edition, 2011.