Six Year Old Boy Stabbed in the Neck with Pencil

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

Was it a stabbing or a poke with a pencil? Was it bullying or an accident? Why didn't the school call an ambulance or the police? Did the Turlock Unified District follow established protocol? The questions ruminating around California's Central Valley abound. But the one question that bothers me the most is, Why didn't the school intervene when the family previously reported bullying incidents?

Bully Workshop. I'm teaching a workshop next month at the California Association for the Education of Young Children's annual state conference in Pasadena, California. The workshop, Bullying 101: Helping the Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander; How Educators Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence, is based on a course I created for Merced College. This specific workshop is for adults working in kindergarten to third grade programs or schools.

Stories Abound. Any time I've had a conversation about my speaking engagement, someone shares a story. A story not unlike the "stabbing" story. "My (daughter, grandson, neighbor, friend, relative) has a child who was bullied. They reported it to the school over and over and nothing was done. The child changed schools."

More Columbines? How many more Columbines will it take for all schools to wake-up? How many more kids will take their own lives because of bullying, also called bullycide, before society demands bullying stops? How many times will I hear stories where no one intervened?

The Movie: Bully...I'll write more about bullying in the future and strategies that work. In the meantime, view the 2012 movie, Bully: It's Time to Take A Stand produced by The Weinstein Company and Where We Live Films, rated PG-13. I'd sure like to hear your thoughts on the film and bullying in schools.

1. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/pencil-and-postit-796599-m. Accessed 4/17/2014.

School Age Friendship Groups: Accepted and Rejected Children

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

The good news for parents is about 80% of children fall within the "accepted" children friendship group.¹ These children have at least one friend who protects them from experiencing long, lonely days in school.

The 20%. However, the remaining 20% are part of the "unclassifiable" group; they may have no friends at all. Psychologists are concerned about this bottom 20% on the social ladder. In this blog, we'll look at the three sub-groups, typical friendships characteristics of each, and how parents can help these struggling children with friendships.

Neglected Children. The first sub-group is the "neglected" children who tend to be very shy, comprising five percent of children.¹ Although the group sub-title sounds negative, these children are very close to their families and typically good students. They simply don't attract much attention from peers. Parents mainly need to accept their child's social style which was explained in my last blog, Parents Can Help with School Age Child's Friendships.

Controversial Children. The second sub-group, "controversial" children, also five percent, possess some traits peers like, but they also have annoying habits, such as: being a poor sport or poor hygiene.¹ These children need to be coached to give up annoying habits. Some parents think that by addressing these issues their children's self-esteem will suffer, but these children are already suffering silently. If children knew how to change their behavior, they already would have.

Adult Guidance. They need adult guidance and specific strategies for improving these habits. It can begin with a simple observation question. "Today when you were shooting hoops, did you notice that your friend was angry when you kept hogging the ball? What can you do differently next time you shoot hoops?" When parents gradually and consistently work with children on specific annoying behaviors, most children will improve over time.

Rejected Children. The last sub-group, the "rejected" children contain 10% of children.¹ These children lack important social skills in a wide variety of areas and may not cooperate or know how to respond in certain situations.² "Rejected children are either overly aggressive from the start and react to being rejected with more aggression, or they become depressed and withdrawn." ⁴

Missing Skills. Whereas the "controversial" children need some help on certain social issues, these children must be taught missing skills.² If not, this child will become a rejected adult. Maybe you know someone like this. They don't pick up on social cues and are observed as "misfits" at work and in social settings.

Life Skills. Now is the time for parents and schools to help these children develop the all important life skill of making friends. School administrators are a great resource to find out about arranging friendship groups that help rejected children make friends. "Just 6 to 8 meetings of such a group can have a significant positive impact. Administrators should also implement anti-bullying policies and train teachers to create a socially safe environment in the classroom."¹

Rejected, angry children may need counseling.

Help Finding Friendships. Both "rejected" and "controversial" children need help finding friendships in other venues beyond the school day. Spending time with neighbor kids or cousins is one way to begin. Children are in close proximity for observing interactions combined with "coaching" later. Joining a youth group, like Boy Scouts, Girls Scouts, or 4-H are other possibilities. Community service projects are great ways for children to learn social skills while helping others.

Extra Guidance. When your children are in the last two sub-groups, they will need extra guidance, direction and support. Overtime, your children will benefit from better friendships. Remember, "It only takes one real friend to alleviate the worse aspect of loneliness."¹

Sources:

1. Let's Be Friends: Help your child's friendships flourish — even in the face of difficulty. Scholastic Parent, www.scholastic.com/parents/resources/article/stages.../lets-be-friends. Accessed 10/17/2013.

2. Children's Health: Peer Pressure, www.healthofchildren.com. Accessed 10/5/2013.

3. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ gossip-girls-1-1966564-s. Accessed 4/18/2014.

Friendship Books for School Age Children

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends, Natalie Madorsky Elman & Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Q-Mart, 2003.

Let's Be Friends: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Social Skills and Make Great Friends, Lawrence Shapiro Ph.D., Instant Help Books, Raincoast Books, 2008. (Activities for Kids)

 

The New Social Story Book, Revised and Expanded 10th Anniversary Edition: Over 150 Social Stories that Teach Everyday, Carol Gray and Tony Attwood, Future Horizons, 2010.

Friendly Facts: A Fun, Practical, Interactive Resource to Help Children Explore the Complexities of Friends and Friendship, Margaret-Anne Carter & Josie Santomauro, Autism Asperger Publishing Co., 2010. Aimed at children 7-11.

The ADHD Workbook for Kids: Helping Children Gain Self-Confidence, Social Skills, and Self-Control, Lawrence Shapiro PhD, Instant Help Books, Raincoast Books, 2010. 

Socially ADDept: Teaching Social Skills to Children with ADHD, LD, and Asperger's, Janet Z. Giler, Jossey-Bass, 2nd edition, 2011.

    

    

Now, How About Some Positive Peer Pressure?

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

 

Although the last five blogs highlighted parenting tips to help their school age children resist negative peer pressure, it is essential to remember that peer pressure isn't always negative. Positive peer pressure assists school age children with reinforcing skills. An important example is demonstrating appropriate social behaviors. You may hound your kids about their manner with little results, but when their friends make comments, they often listen.

"That's gross." Take for example, body functions, like inappropriate belching. "That's gross," friends may groan. Or maybe your daughter doesn't like washing her hair. A friend may comment, "You're not going to the birthday party with your hair like that." Of course not, and the hair is washed, styled and off they go.

 

Changing. Peers can also motivate positive personal changes.¹ Maybe your daughter is struggling with math. Her friend offers to lend her a hand. Or possibly your son wants to play a sport but hasn't joined a team before. A friend may join the team with him. Perhaps your daughter is organizationally challenged. A peer can help arrange her school binder.

           
Belonging. Peers can rally round your child to maintain self-confidence and a sense of belonging and meaning.¹ Kids usually choose friends who are similar to them. This helps children feel like they belong to something beyond their families. Having good friends with similar values provides fun times together and helps children feel more confident.

           
Volunteering. Positive peer pressure can also influence peers to volunteer, work towards becoming more "green," staying away from drugs and alcohol, and thriving in academics and goals.¹ Even amongst school age children, natural leaders will guide peers to make a difference.

Opportunities. Check to see which non-profit organizations allow school age volunteers, such as food banks, homeless shelters, or animal rescue organizations or shelters. Some kids help save our environment. Other children challenge peers to stay away from drugs and alcohol or do well in school. When parents hear about negative peer pressure, keep in mind that peer pressure can also become a very beneficial asset for you and your child.

Sources:

1. Peer Pressure: Why it seems worse than ever and how to help kids resist it, Malia Jacobson, August 29, 2013, www.parentmap.com. Accessed 10/5/2013.

2. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ learning-the-rules 909359-s. Accessed 4/18/2014.
  

10 Parental Roles in Reducing School Age Children's Negative Peer Pressure, Tips 8, 9, & 10

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

This is the last of a five blog series on parents' roles in reducing negative peer pressure for school age children. Today we'll look at tips 8, 9 and 10.  

 

Suspending Judgment. The eighth tip is suspending judgment when your child confides in you about his/her peers.¹ Sometimes the “friend” is actually the child him or herself so watch what you say. Your goal is to learn more about the situation by keeping communication open. Become an expert on asking open-ended questions. For example, “Sounds like Matthew's really struggling. What could you do to help him through this tough time?”

           

Ignore Shocking Statements. Closely related is tip nine, ignore shock value statements. Sometimes it feels like kids just want to push your buttons, but what they're actually doing is figuring out what they believe. For example, a child who is raised in a church might say, "I don't want to go to church anymore. I don’t think there's really a God."

Overreacting? Most parents tend to over react. "How can you say that after all we've taught you?" A better response is, “Tell me what you’re thinking about.” Help the child reach his or her own conclusions. Eventually, children need to take on their own personal beliefs and values. Over reacting will only push them away.

Warning Signs. The last tip is looking for signs that peer pressure is becoming a problem. If you notice attitude changes; withdrawal; sudden materialism; and/or intense interest in "taboo" behaviors or possessions, you may want to consider professional help.² Often these indicators are beyond parents' skills and expertise. Using some or all of these parenting tips will help your school age child deal with negative peer pressure.

Next Blog: Positive Peer Pressure

Sources:

1. When Peer Pressure is Good For Your Child, Carolyn Hoyt, Good Housekeeping, Women.com Networks, Inc.
2. Peer Pressure: Why it seems worse than ever and how to help kids resist it, Malia Jacobson, August 29, 2013, www.parentmap.com. Accessed 10/5/2013.
3. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ top-secret-637885-m. Accessed 4/18/2014.