Let's Make a Deal

Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014

Author, Speaker, Educator

All of us have situations in which there aren't any choices, like work requirements. Children need to learn that they don't always have a choice. Sometimes decisions are made by parents or other adults.

Safety Reasons

For example, parents are responsible for their children's safety. Dr. Sue Grossman, Assistant Professor at Eastern Michigan reminds parents that children can't play with everything, like the stove or burner controls when helping make cookies. (1)

Primary and Secondary Decisions

Sometimes they can't do something because of time constraints, like when parents need to drop the children off at pre-school and get to work. Parents make the primary decision, it's time to get ready, but then children can make subsequent, secondary choices, like what to wear or whether they want to pour in flour or chocolate chips for the cookies.

Accepting No

Dr. Grossman adds, "When children know that they will be given sufficient opportunities to choose for themselves, they are more willing to accept those important 'no choice' decisions adults must make for them." (1)

Sources:

1. Offering Children Choices: Encouraging Autonomy and Learning While Minimizing Conflicts, Sue Grossman, Ph.D., Early Childhood News, 2007. www.earlychildhoodnews.com/earlychildhood/article_view.aspx?...607. Accessed 3/25/2014. 

2. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ one-way-street-signs 1294579-m. Accessed 4/17/2014.



 

Is Your Child a Quitter?

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

Do you wonder if your child is a quitter? Does it seem like your son or daughter begin something gung ho and then loses interest? Parents can help prevent children from quitting by teaching their children decision making skills and follow through. When our six-year-old daughter wanted to play soccer, we discussed with her what the commitment would involve before she made a choice.

Teens & Money Part 4: To Pay or Not to Pay?

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

College expenses are rising every year and both students and parents alike wonder how they'll afford a college education. If you have the finances to pay for your child's entire college expenses, please reconsider.

When Parents Pay. As a college professor I've witnessed the results of parents paying for their kid's entire expenses. These students are less responsible for their education because they have no vested interest. I hear students flippantly comment, "So what if lost my textbook. Too bad I failed that class. I can just take it again. My parents will pay for...".

Your Student's Share. Consider allowing your student to pay for certain expenses, such as their clothing, entertainment, car payments and insurance, textbooks, course materials, or even several of these categories. It will pay off in dividends. They will become more conscientious students which ultimately results in less overall expenses. When students are vested in their education, they're more likely to attain their goals in a timely manner.

College and Car Insurance. If your son or daughter is attending college so their car insurance is covered under your policy, within six weeks, most of them won't be attending classes. When I meet students each semester I share, "Your parents' car insurance won't motivate you to arrive twice a week for an 8:00 A.M. class. You must have your own personal reasons for obtaining a college education or you'll drop out."

College Drop Outs. Unfortunately many young people drop out of college. A new study by Harvard University reports that, "Only 56% of the students who enter America’s colleges and universities graduate within six years, while only 29 percent of students who enter two-year programs complete their degrees within three years, the study found."¹

Expectations: Raising financially responsible young people is possible, but requires advanced planning. In order to train your son or daughter, you need to know what your financial expectations are for your family. Then together with your young person, you can create a financial plan that works for everyone.

Sources: 
1. Study: Nearly Half Of America’s College Students Drop Out Before Receiving A Degree, Travis Waldron on Mar 28, 2012, thinkprogress.org/education/2012/03. Accessed 6/10/2013.

2. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ accounting-calculator-and-planner 90371-m. www.whitespark.ca. Accessed 4/18/2014.

Book Review: Slouching Towards Adulthood

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

As I'm researching my book series, From Diapers to Diamonds: Raising Responsible Adults, I discovered a book that raises many of the issues I'm answering in this parenting series.

"Adultescents." Slouching Toward Adulthood: Observations from the Not-So-Empty Nest written by Sally Koslow documents why a generation of carefully nurtured young adults is delaying adulthood. Though she offers no solutions except during a brief last chapter, she simply reports what she discovered from research and interviewing parents and what she calls "adultescents" during 2010 and 2011.

The Book. This thirteen chapter book provides a picture of college graduates returning home and living with their parents another decade or so. In the first chapter, A Public Display of Reflection, she explains how she learned that "twenty-eight is the new nineteen," and included a new decade, the "odyssey, the decade of wandering that frequently occurs between adolescence and adulthood," (p. 11) and she panicked. This information triggered the impetus for her book.

Great Book. I found this book so engaging. It's flagged with countless post it notes and comments written throughout the book. She examines young adults' relationships to work or not to work, money, and their social lives. In chapter three: Choose Your Own Adventure, she addresses the challenges with decision making. "Forget Plan B. There isn't a Plan A," (p. 24).

No Place Like Home. This entitled generation comes home after college because "...there's nowhere else they could live better," (p. 68). Two of my favorite chapters include chapter five: The U-Haul as Umbilical Cord and chapter six: Adultesents Without Borders. If your children have returned home or you hope they don't return home, read this book. It gives a solid picture of what's going on with the current generation of "adultescents."

Book Information: Slouching Toward Adulthood: Observations from the Not-So-Empty Nest, Sally Koslow, Viking Penguin Group, 2012. Available at Penguin.com. Hardcover $25.95; paperback $16.00; eBook $9.99.

Teens & Money Part 1: Designer Jeans, Coupons and Budgets

Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2013

Author, Speaker, Educator

"Why do we always have to use a coupon to buy my clothes?" laments my eleven-year-old daughter. "I want them today."

"You know we have a clothing budget. We can get more for our money if we wait until the item is on sale and we have a coupon," I try explaining once again. 

"Everyone else's moms just buys their designer jeans even if they're not on sale," she retorts trying for the mother guilt button. 

The Budget

This conversation changed significantly one year later when our seventh grader was given her very own clothing budget. "Mom, do you have any coupons? I need some jeans," I proudly heard. She was allotted a monthly amount but could use up to three months of budget money at a time if necessary. Since our daughters were in year-round school, budget money for three months seemed reasonable.

Planning
No, we didn't just give our adolescents money and let them have a free for all. We talked about special events coming up, seasonal items like coats and swimsuits, what still fits from last season, do they need new undergarments, what about shoes, ways they can update their wardrobe inexpensively, and yes, how buying items on sale and using coupons saves money.

Care of Clothes
Because they knew the cost of every item purchased, they took great care of their clothes when they began doing their own laundry at age thirteen (see previous blog, Laundry or Writing?).

Special Events
As they entered high school and needed dresses for special events such as the winter formal and the prom, we paid for half the dress cost up to a certain amount. Young men will need additional budget money for winter formal sports coats and renting tuxedoes for the prom.

Designer Clothes
When they wanted additional clothing or designer clothing items that cost more, they used gift money or worked for extra money. Other families we know paid up to a certain amount for clothing items, such as a pair of jean or athletic shoes, and the young person paid the difference.

How Much Money?
I'm purposely not sharing how much money we gave them for two reasons. My daughter's are young adults and inflation has occurred since they were teenagers. Secondly, each family has an income; some may have a larger budget for clothing, while others families will have smaller budgets. You may think you can't afford to give your adolescents a clothing budget, but if you honestly track how much you spend on their clothes, shoes, undergarments, etc. it adds up quickly. The point isn't so much about how much you allot for their budget, but teaching them the principles of money management.

Resist the Urge to Rescue
When you transition the budget responsibility to your young adults, please resist the temptation to rescue them when they spend all their clothing money and need something. They will not learn to plan ahead and use their money wisely if you rescue them. Keep in mind that they will eventually learn to live with the consequences if you allow them opportunities to learn. And in no time, they'll start asking, "Do you have any coupons?" and you will know you've done your job.


1. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/.sale-1430736-s. Accessed 4/17/2014.
 

Choices: Fast Food or Leftovers?

by Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D. © 2012

Author, Speaker, Educator

While reading the latest magazine and waiting for an x-ray at the busy clinic, an eight-year-old girl with dark eyes and a curly brown ponytail catches my attention. Anything is more interesting than a magazine a few years old that no one has bothered to steal yet. The girl whispers a secret in her friend's ear; they both giggle. Anticipating an afternoon playing together, the mother casually inquires, "What do you want for lunch?" Their faces beam as they simultaneously declare, "McDonald's!"

Of course they want McDonald's. What kid doesn't?

"Well, we're going to have leftovers from last night," the mother casually comments.

The girls' smiles fade.

Leftovers, I ponder. Who wants leftovers when you think you're going to get McDonald's? My joy observing the girls dwindles. Another parent giving children a choice while she never intends to let them choose. It won't be the last time I witness this dilemma. In my last column, At What Age? the key question was, how are you intentionally allowing your child to make increasingly more choices and God honoring decisions as he or she launches into adulthood? Today we'll explore giving children choices, benefits of choices, and building basic decision making skills.

Making Choices. Learning to make choices actually begins in toddlerhood. Parents and caregivers can give simple, either-or choices to children. "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt?" "Would you like yogurt or applesauce for snack?" Even toddlers can point to what they want. "Choices offered to young children must be legitimate and meaningful to them and acceptable to adults," explains Dr. Sue Grossman in Early Childhood News. ¹

Follow Through. Don't give a choice if you don't intend to follow through. The mother in the waiting room could have stated, "We have leftover casserole and macaroni salad for lunch today. Would you girls like to eat lunch outside on a picnic blanket or in the kitchen after our appointment?"

Simple Choices. In preschool, children can begin choosing from more than two options. My four-year-old grandson loves grocery shopping with Grams. Besides organizing the shelves, he proudly selects juice from a number of varieties or yogurt flavors. "Limiting the quantity of choices is actually helping your child be successful in the decision-making process," notes Dr. Alexandra Delis-Abrams, author of Children, Choices, and Consequences. ²

Avoiding "NO." In an effort to increase children's choices, sometimes parents give children more choices than they're developmentally ready for or are beyond their cognitive abilities. For example, "Do you want to go to bed now?" will most assuredly be answered, "No." Where do you want to go on vacation may be answered, "Disneyland!" while you're planning on a camping budget. Children do not get to make every choice, however, within many parent-made decisions, children can still contribute to choices. "Next week we're going on a family campout. Do you want to go fishing, boating, hiking or swimming on Saturday?" "Do you want me to read you a story or would you like to read for ten minutes on your own before the lights go out?" Our daughters became so accustomed to making choices, that sometimes our response was, "This is not, Let's Make a Deal. This is a parent decision."

Choosing Activities. As children enter elementary school, helping them determine outcomes of choices becomes imperative. "I want to play soccer this year," our six-year-old daughter shares. "It looks like fun." But what does she really know about being on a soccer team? "Too many times a child is given the power to make the decision without the information first," notes the founder of ABC Feelings. ²

Engaging Questions. Does my daughter understand that she must practice three times a week? Does she recognize that a coach will be teaching her how to play? What does she comprehend about teamwork, winning, and losing? Have we explained that if she chooses to play she's expected to complete the twelve-week season? Although this may sound overwhelming for children, this discussion develops reasoning skills and accepting personal responsibility for choices which will serve them well for a lifetime.

Problem Solving. Helping school-age children determine possibilities before adolescence is invaluable and builds strong problem-solving foundations. Asking situational questions like, "What would you do if a stranger asked you to help him find his kitty?" to "What do you think about the decision Joey made on TV last night?" require critical thinking skills. Setting up situational scenarios and asking thought-provoking questions play a critical role in adolescence when the stakes are higher and the costs are greater.

"You are capable." Allowing children to make choices helps them developmentally in several ways. Children build autonomy, a fancy word for independence. Adults make so many decisions for children, that when children get to choose they possess a sense of control. They feel validated when parents and other adults send the message, "You are capable. What you say is important and matters." Training in problem solving empowers children for future decision-making. Children are more committed when they've made the choice for themselves.

Fond Memories. Our daughter chose soccer year after year. She even played a few winter sessions in the mud and rain, her favorite way to play. When my husband and I see children in soccer uniforms on fall Saturday mornings, it brings back fond memories.... watching her valiantly defending the goal, her excitement when she wins, and forming strong friendships. Then we remember the year she chose not to play soccer. And that's another story.

Sources:

1. Dr. Sue Grossman, Ph.D. Offering Children Choices: Encouraging Autonomy and Learning While Minimizing Conflict, Early Childhood News. www.earlychildhoodnews.com/earlychldhood/article_print.aspx. Accessed June 20, 2012.
 

2. Alexandra Delis-Abrams, Ph.D. Children, Choices, and Consequences. www.abcfeelings.com Accessed June 20, 2012.

3. Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ hambuger-1198649-2. Accessed 4/18/2014.
  

 

At What Age?

by Dr. Marian C. Fritzemeier, Ed.D.© 2012

Author, Speaker, Educator

 

At what age will you allow your children to DECIDE...
 

the condition of their bedroom?

the clothes they wear?
their hairstyle?

what television shows they view?

the music they listen to?

the movies they see?

the friends they choose?
pack their clothes for a trip?
how often they use their phone & texting?

what they do on their computer, IPod & other electronics?

when they do their homework?

the classes they take at school?

whether to attend church with you?

how they spend their money?

who they date & when?

where to work?

where they will live?

what career they'll choose?

                 

In the last article, Dependence to Independence, the analogy of your children being 100% dependent on you at birth and becoming 100% independent from you as they launch into young adulthood, is the foundation to these questions. Is your nine-year-old making 50% of his/her daily decisions? Is your 12 1/2 year-old making 75% of his/her decisions?

Of course, this isn't an exact formula, but the key question is, How are you intentionally allowing your child to make increasingly more choices? I realize this concept is frightening, but it is even more frightening to launch a young person into today's secular world not possessing the life-skills, responsibility, and decision making abilities to make God honoring choices throughout adulthood. It's your privilege & responsibility to decide how you will train up your sons and daughters in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6).

Image from: Stock.XCHNG www.sxc.hu/ calendar 283313-s. Accessed 4/17/2014.