By
Andrea Williams with Quotes from Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D.
Posted on: Daily Parent, August 1, 2014
Expert insight into the
power of childhood friendships, for better or worse, and how to nurture
friend-making skills.Some of us can still fondly remember long summer days and recess hours spent with our closest pals, making mud pies, catching ladybugs and generally having lots of fun. As it turns out, the effects of those adolescent friendships last well into adulthood. “Being chosen [as a friend] makes a child or teen feel affirmed, and it also expands their horizon beyond the narrow world of their nuclear family,” says Dr. Jan Yager, Ph.D., author of When Friendship Hurts. “The child or teen can become friends with someone of a different race, religion, culture or socio-economic background since their siblings will most likely be very similar to them. Friendships outside of siblings expand a child or teen’s horizons and view of the world and other families besides their own.”
Conversely, not learning
to develop solid friendships can negatively affect a child’s future, as Yager
notes that kids who spend too much time alone can become lonely teens and
adults and even begin to develop signs of depression. Truly, we live in an
interconnected world, and whether it relates to effectively completing group
assignments in high school or college, or securing a job post-graduation and
being able to work collaboratively with colleagues, it’s important that we
encourage our children to develop strong, meaningful friendships. Here’s how:
Teach kids how to be good friends.Anyone who’s had a relationship with an overly needy or inconsiderate person knows that being a great friend to others has become a bit of a lost art. Teach your kids now how to treat others well, and you won’t ever have to worry about them being alone later. “Kids can learn to model great friendships when they are given the tools for experiencing empathy,” says parenting expert Natalie Blais. “The power of empathy has a deep and lasting impression on kids because they are not yet clouded with disappointment like adults are. Kids are constantly filled with wonder when it comes to emotion, and empathy is an experience kids must learn to master.”
Dr. Marian Fritzemeier,
Ed.D, an education and child development expert agrees, adding that it is up to
parents to model the kind of behavior that they expect their kids to develop.
“Role modeling is significant,” she says. “How parents interact with their
children and their children’s friends helps them learn positive friendship
skills. For example, if friends come over, the parent may suggest, ‘Emily,
maybe your friends would like a snack. I can help you.’ Over time, sharing a
snack becomes automatic.”
Encourage kids to seek out children who need friends.
Though cell phones have
replaced land lines, and kids may actually spend more time communicating with
each other via social media than face-to-face, little else has changed in the
world of childhood friendships. On any playground across the country, you’re
likely to find a group or clique, of popular, outgoing kids along with a
smattering of quiet, more introverted kids who hang solo.
“My son is going into
third grade in September, and we spent the entire year
of second grade learning
how to find kids who need someone to be a friend to
them,” says Blais. “At
the end of each day, I ask my son if he had the opportunity to be kind to
someone that day. I make sure I have him consistently thinking about and
looking for the chance to be kind to someone and reach out to him. Often,
parents ask their kids how the day was, but they rarely ask their kids how they
genuinely plugged into the situation around them and searched out the kids who
needed them most.”
Get involved.
If your child is
introverted, it’s important that you step in and help her begin to
interact with others. The key, though, is not to push her too far outside of
her comfort zone. “Years ago it was believed that children develop a
temperament by age 3, but most research shows that children are born with an
individual temperament,” Fritzemeier explains. “Some will be naturally outgoing
and noisy, while others may be quiet and reserved. Parents who push their
children to become someone they are not only increases the children’s stress
levels, but as children get older, she can begin to question if
her parents want them to be more like them or a sibling.”
Yager suggests parents
arrange playdates for their kids (even through the elementary years) and enroll
preschool-aged children in classes like Mommy and Me or Gymboree to help foster
new friendships. Additionally, adds Fritzemeier, bringing a toy or pet can
serve as an icebreaker and help draw other kids to your child. Also, when
choosing other children to arrange playdates with, it’s important to try to
find kids whose temperaments match that of your child, so she is not
overwhelmed by an outgoing or boisterous personality.
Intervene when necessary.
Eventually, as your
child ages and becomes more adept at interacting with others, she is bound to
get involved in an unhealthy friendship. Parents, then, must toe the line between
allowing their kids to be proactive in choosing their own relationships while
also protecting them from significant hurt or danger. “Being a parent means
taking the time to get to know the kids your child is spending time with,” says
Dr. Tina Tessina, Ph.D., LMFT. You need to know their parents and hang out with
them. Driving [your children’s friends] places and listening to what they talk
about in the car while you’re driving is a great way to get a sense of who they
are. This is most easily done while your kids are small; once they’re teens,
you have a lot less control.”
If you do discover that
your child is hanging out with someone she shouldn’t, Tessina suggests deftly
steering her toward more positive influences without damaging your relationship
with your child. “It’s best not to say bad things about the friends you don’t
like; it will set you and your children against each other,” she explains.
“This is why it’s so important to pay attention early on: you want to intervene
before your child is too attached to someone. The best tactic is to find
something your child is interested in and allow her to get involved, and
distract your child from the undesirable friends. It also helps to find out
what your child is getting out of the friendship. Is there some kind of
acceptance for something you child feels bad about? Perhaps there’s something
you don’t understand.”
Ultimately, though, if
you’ve taken the time to show your child how to be a good friend and helped
her to develop solid friendships while she’s young, you shouldn’t
have much to worry about.
Adds Tessina, “If you
set up a good parameter, you can let your child make choices, because there
won’t be any bad ones.”
Published in: dailyparent.com/articles/the-power-of-childhood-friendships
